Geekyboy has developed an annoying habit. He instantly covets a previously uninteresting toy the very minute his sister starts to play with it. At first I assumed from his hysterical howls of "I want that ____ (dinosaur, xylophone, princess Ariel figure) that his sister had taken it from him, and I insisted she return the item. I have come to realize that this was perhaps not usually the case, and I have inadvertently created a monstrous child who now howls the house down to get what he wants.
I'm at a bit of a loss as to the best way to solve these incessant conflicts over resources. My favourite book on the topic (siblings without rivalry) gives the following advice:
1. start by acknowledging the childrens anger towards each other.
2. Listen to each child's side with respect
3. Show appreciaition for the difficulty of the problem
4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution
5. Leave the room.
Though this sounds wonderful (has anyone tried this with Israel and Palestine?), I fear that my two year old will get the rough end of any negotaited agreement, given Geekygirls increasingly sophisticated verbal skills, and that my kids are a bit young yet to manage this on their own. I don't want to simply take the offending toy away (though I often do), since that seems unfair on Geekygirl, who had it first. I try offering Geekyboy alternatives (like an indistinguishable, to adult eyes at least, plastic princess or dinosaur) but invariably get it hurled back at me. I end up asking Geekygirl to share, setting the timer for 5 minutes each with the toy. Then the kicker is that when Geekyboy gets the toy he so desperately wanted, he plays with it for sixty seconds then discards it. Until his sister picks it up again and then its rinse and repeat on the whole performance.
As I said to Geekydaddy, it is classic "Dog in the manger" behavior. Geekydaddy, unfamilar with the term, asked what happened to the dog in the fable, in case it offered any ideas. I googled it and it wasn't very helpful:
A Dog looking out for its afternoon nap jumped into the Manger of an Ox and lay there cozily upon the straw. But soon the Ox, returning from its afternoon work, came up to the Manger and wanted to eat some of the straw. The Dog in a rage, being awakened from its slumber, stood up and barked at the Ox, and whenever it came near attempted to bite it. At last the Ox had to give up the hope of getting at the straw, and went away muttering:
"Ah, people often grudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves."
Indeed. But what I want to know is did the dog get a time out? A sticker chart? Did this teach him mend his ways and develop empathy for the hungry Ox?
A more modern take on the fable sprung to mind while we were driving home from school last week. I have taken to playing hits from the show Glee in the car, and Geekygirl particularly likes Finn's version of "Jessie's Girl". She broke off from her sing along to ask me "But Mummy, why does he want Jessie's girl?". I smiled to myself, and answered "You know how you brother always want the same toys that you have? Well the guy singing the song wants his friend's girlfriend".
I didn't add that it is human nature to want what we can't have, and to covet the belongings and even the girlfriends of others. She can wait for the harsher lessons of life and love. No doubt many more of them will be prompted by the fables of our age, pop song lyrics.
How do you deal with conflicts over resources in your house?
Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
splash
The seasons are dashing past us. How did it get to be May? With summer just around the corner a nagging item on my "must do" list leapt to a priority. Swimming lessons. Scanning back over the blog I realized that this has been on the list for over a year. This weekend, I finally made good.
I managed to schedule a class for geekygirl at 8.30am, and geekboy at 9. We managed to get out of the house and to the class on time too. Geekygirl was excited but a little dubious about what was to come. She had actually been to classes at this same swimming school when she was an infant and we were diligent, overachieving parents of an only child, though she has no recollection of this, of course. I had prepared her for the fact that she would be going in the pool with an instructor, not in mummy's arms, but that Geekyboy would be going in the pool with a parent. I felt how hard this was for her to digest this. It must be tough to be the older child sometimes, must feel like parental rejection to see the younger kid getting what seems like preferential treatment.
Her class was first, so I'd hoped that I could at least sit close by and offer security and support from the side, but as it happened there was a cancellation in the 8.30 baby class, so it seemed sensible to take that slot for Geekyboy. Geekdaddy had forgotten his swimsuit so I had to go in with him.
This unexpected turn of events could have resulted in a huge meltdown. Geekygirl could have dissolved into a watery tantrum as she watched her brother being carried in my secure arms into the pool, while Geekydaddy and the lovely teacher tried to coax her in unsupported. But she didn't. She took a leap of faith onto the float that the teacher was holding, and let herself be guided out into the water. Wide eyed but listening to instruction, she started kicking herself along.
Geekyboy has splashed in the lake before, but this was his first formal class, poor neglected second child that he is. He wrapped his chubbly legs around my waist like a vice. "I no like the water, I no like swimming pool, its 'cary" he kept telling me. I agreed with him that indeed it was a bit scary, but that he was safe with mummy, and we joined the class, all dads except me! The first exercise is one where they teach them the skills to get themselves out of the pool. He mastered this and figured class was over, running away along the side. It took a little persuading to get him back in.
People sometimes mock the sing song, happy clappy nature of these classes for infants, but the brilliance of the approach really became apparent to me as I watched its effects on Geekyboy. As soon as we started to sing the familiar tunes he relaxed. As the other kids followed the actions, he joined in with the comfortable rituals. By the time we got to the next part of the class, fetching toys from the side and putting them into the teachers big basket, he was enjoying it. When it came to walk along the big foam float and jump off into my arms he could hardly wait for it to be his turn, and he took a big leap into the water, going right under and popping up all slick hair and wet starfish eyelashes, laughing at the novelty of it all.
I was nervously keeping Geekygirl in sight as I bobbed and sang. She seemed engaged and happy and I noticed her lovely inner smile of pride glancing across her face. Still, I was shocked when I turned toward a splash and saw my little girl "diving" from a kneeling position into the pool! Surfacing in the arms of the teacher, laughing, and going right back to do it again. And again!
It couldn't have gone better. We left the pool with that happy glow that comes with sucessfully pulling off a potentially traumatic outing. Even Geekyboys tears and wails of "want to go back in swimming pool" had a sweet irony. Nothing in the world quite beats that sense of achievement!
We felt so competent that we even took them for a post swimming pancake breakfast and pulled that off too.
I love the days when I feel good at this parenting thing!
I managed to schedule a class for geekygirl at 8.30am, and geekboy at 9. We managed to get out of the house and to the class on time too. Geekygirl was excited but a little dubious about what was to come. She had actually been to classes at this same swimming school when she was an infant and we were diligent, overachieving parents of an only child, though she has no recollection of this, of course. I had prepared her for the fact that she would be going in the pool with an instructor, not in mummy's arms, but that Geekyboy would be going in the pool with a parent. I felt how hard this was for her to digest this. It must be tough to be the older child sometimes, must feel like parental rejection to see the younger kid getting what seems like preferential treatment.
Her class was first, so I'd hoped that I could at least sit close by and offer security and support from the side, but as it happened there was a cancellation in the 8.30 baby class, so it seemed sensible to take that slot for Geekyboy. Geekdaddy had forgotten his swimsuit so I had to go in with him.
This unexpected turn of events could have resulted in a huge meltdown. Geekygirl could have dissolved into a watery tantrum as she watched her brother being carried in my secure arms into the pool, while Geekydaddy and the lovely teacher tried to coax her in unsupported. But she didn't. She took a leap of faith onto the float that the teacher was holding, and let herself be guided out into the water. Wide eyed but listening to instruction, she started kicking herself along.
Geekyboy has splashed in the lake before, but this was his first formal class, poor neglected second child that he is. He wrapped his chubbly legs around my waist like a vice. "I no like the water, I no like swimming pool, its 'cary" he kept telling me. I agreed with him that indeed it was a bit scary, but that he was safe with mummy, and we joined the class, all dads except me! The first exercise is one where they teach them the skills to get themselves out of the pool. He mastered this and figured class was over, running away along the side. It took a little persuading to get him back in.
People sometimes mock the sing song, happy clappy nature of these classes for infants, but the brilliance of the approach really became apparent to me as I watched its effects on Geekyboy. As soon as we started to sing the familiar tunes he relaxed. As the other kids followed the actions, he joined in with the comfortable rituals. By the time we got to the next part of the class, fetching toys from the side and putting them into the teachers big basket, he was enjoying it. When it came to walk along the big foam float and jump off into my arms he could hardly wait for it to be his turn, and he took a big leap into the water, going right under and popping up all slick hair and wet starfish eyelashes, laughing at the novelty of it all.
I was nervously keeping Geekygirl in sight as I bobbed and sang. She seemed engaged and happy and I noticed her lovely inner smile of pride glancing across her face. Still, I was shocked when I turned toward a splash and saw my little girl "diving" from a kneeling position into the pool! Surfacing in the arms of the teacher, laughing, and going right back to do it again. And again!
It couldn't have gone better. We left the pool with that happy glow that comes with sucessfully pulling off a potentially traumatic outing. Even Geekyboys tears and wails of "want to go back in swimming pool" had a sweet irony. Nothing in the world quite beats that sense of achievement!
We felt so competent that we even took them for a post swimming pancake breakfast and pulled that off too.
I love the days when I feel good at this parenting thing!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Entertainment, envy and exotic fauna
My kids are both nuts about "Go Diego Go", the Nickelodeon television show. Diego is Dora the Explorer's cousin, his spinoff show is the "Knots landing" to Dora's "Dallas". He rescues animals in distress, aided by his cousin Alicia, who always gets to drive the big truck, pilot the helicopter or captain the ice breaker ship. I like the show too, it is admirably gender equitable, has a healthy dose of conservationism, and teaches interesting facts about a dizzying array of exotic animals.
We are little peculiar about TV in our house, "one of those families" who listened to the American Academy of Pediatrics and decided to limit TV time. Geekygirl had barely seen the television until she was two years old. Since then we have introduced it, and we watch DVD's of my choosing for a couple of hours on weekend mornings. Now my kids are in daycare/preschool every day, I hasten to add, where there is no TV. Were I home with them more often I have no doubt far more TV would be consumed. I like TV myself, and think that the quality of what is watched is more important than pure screen time. You can read rubbish and you can watch good things on TV. (Sometimes at the same time, I often watch a NOVA special while reading Us magazine).
But still, we ration it, and the result of this rationing means that Geekygirl loves television with a passion, and clamors voiciferously for more than her alloted allowance. Geekyboy has watched TV from a much younger age, as I"m sure most younger siblings do, and is also quite the addict. We have a selection of preschool shows on DVD, British ones like Charlie and Lola, Peppa Pig and Bob the buildler (who has been dubbed with a midwestern accent, sadly), and US classics like Blues Clues, Sesame St, and the aforementioned Dora and Diego.
The kids play "Diego" all the time, saving imaginary exotic animals from equally unusual predators. I'm convinced of the intellectual value of the show when I hear my kids say things like:
"No, I a Chinchilla" (geekyboy, when asked if he was pretending to be a mouse)
"Mummy, this is a caymen, which is smaller than an alligator" (Geekygirl, playing with a small plastic crocodilian)
"Mummy, Geekydog is an okapi. Have long purple tongue " (Geekyboy upon being licked by the dog. An okapi is a member of the giraffe family, in case you were wondering. I told you it was an educational show!)
It has made for some hilarious linguistic mistakes too, the best being when Geekygirl, misremembering "Howler Monkey" told us that she was rescuing "Humper monkeys"!
Geekyboy has just turned two. Before the birthday arrived I popped to Toys r us on the way home from work to get him a gift or two. I found with the first child each birthday was an opportunity to expand our toy collection, to get something newly age appropriate. With Geekyboy I struggle with the idea of buying yet another toy to add to the vast collection we seem to have accumulated. But in the store I noticed something perfect. A Diego toy set, with the adventurer himself in poseable plastic, a lovely "Gentle Ben" style fan boat for him to pilot and best of all a couple of animals to rescue, a crocodile and what looks like a wild pig.
Geekyboy loved the gift on first sight. He was jumping up and down waiting for me to get Diego and his accessories out of the package and once freed, immediately took them off on an adventure. He decided the pig-like animal was an okapi, based on his favourite episode, and I have yet to correct him. This would have been a lovely moment, there is nothing I love more than giving my kids something special that fills them with happiness. However I had not factored in the green eyed monster. Geekygirl couldn't stand it. She wanted so badly for that toy to be hers. No matter that she had just five days before had her own birthday and a not inconsiderable pile of loot. I had even given her a small present to open, while Geekyboy opened his, anticipating some jealously over her brother's gifts (My parents had to do this with me, apparently), but her desire for his toy was uncontrollable. Her frustration that she couldn't have it was extreme and very loud. It wasn't a happy birthday moment. It made me wonder if she gets her own way too often, so incapable was she of dealing with her feelings of desire and disappointment.
Diego and his boat were the source of contention for the rest of the day. I had what I thought was a good solution. The kids both had some birthday money to spend. I also needed to get a gift for a birthday party we were going to so the following day I took the kids to the store and let them both choose another toy in the "Diego + rescue vehicle" series (the birthday party boy got one too. I'm sincerely hoping that this toy is not the cause of the same intense sibling rivalry in his home, or his mother will be cursing me).
Problem solved, I thought. How wrong I was. We now have three Diego's, three vehicles (the boat, an ATV with a trailer, and a truck with a extendable bucket like a telephone pole fixing van), two alligator/caymens, two wild pig/okapis and twohumper howler monkeys. But both kids always seem to want the same Diego (the one with the crash helemet that goes with the ATV), and the same vehicle (the bucket truck). They have been fighting and howling over these toys for days now.
I'm at my wits end. When they place nicely it is lovely imaginative play, fascinating to observe. I have even seen some moments of generosity and some evidence of negotiation ("you can have crash helmet Diego and I'll have the truck, then we can switch in ten minutes"). But more often than not I hear wailing, Diegos get chucked across the room and everyone is in hysterics. I finally took them all away for a while.
I"m still a little mystified as to why these particular toys have brought out the demons in my children. Learning how to resolve conflict over resources is supposed to be one the the great life lessons we learn from having siblings, I tell myself as I wonder whether, when and how to intervene in the latest Diego induced spat, sorely regretting the day I let the little buggers into the house. The Diegos, not the children, I mean!
I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend who's children went to a Waldorf philosophy preschool. When she asked how the teachers deal with conflicts over toys she was told "Oh, the kids don't really fight over the toys, because the toys they have are all really boring"!
Right now I'm sorely tempted to take all of their colorful bounty away and replace it with a couple of hoops and sticks.
We are little peculiar about TV in our house, "one of those families" who listened to the American Academy of Pediatrics and decided to limit TV time. Geekygirl had barely seen the television until she was two years old. Since then we have introduced it, and we watch DVD's of my choosing for a couple of hours on weekend mornings. Now my kids are in daycare/preschool every day, I hasten to add, where there is no TV. Were I home with them more often I have no doubt far more TV would be consumed. I like TV myself, and think that the quality of what is watched is more important than pure screen time. You can read rubbish and you can watch good things on TV. (Sometimes at the same time, I often watch a NOVA special while reading Us magazine).
But still, we ration it, and the result of this rationing means that Geekygirl loves television with a passion, and clamors voiciferously for more than her alloted allowance. Geekyboy has watched TV from a much younger age, as I"m sure most younger siblings do, and is also quite the addict. We have a selection of preschool shows on DVD, British ones like Charlie and Lola, Peppa Pig and Bob the buildler (who has been dubbed with a midwestern accent, sadly), and US classics like Blues Clues, Sesame St, and the aforementioned Dora and Diego.
The kids play "Diego" all the time, saving imaginary exotic animals from equally unusual predators. I'm convinced of the intellectual value of the show when I hear my kids say things like:
"No, I a Chinchilla" (geekyboy, when asked if he was pretending to be a mouse)
"Mummy, this is a caymen, which is smaller than an alligator" (Geekygirl, playing with a small plastic crocodilian)
"Mummy, Geekydog is an okapi. Have long purple tongue " (Geekyboy upon being licked by the dog. An okapi is a member of the giraffe family, in case you were wondering. I told you it was an educational show!)
It has made for some hilarious linguistic mistakes too, the best being when Geekygirl, misremembering "Howler Monkey" told us that she was rescuing "Humper monkeys"!
Geekyboy has just turned two. Before the birthday arrived I popped to Toys r us on the way home from work to get him a gift or two. I found with the first child each birthday was an opportunity to expand our toy collection, to get something newly age appropriate. With Geekyboy I struggle with the idea of buying yet another toy to add to the vast collection we seem to have accumulated. But in the store I noticed something perfect. A Diego toy set, with the adventurer himself in poseable plastic, a lovely "Gentle Ben" style fan boat for him to pilot and best of all a couple of animals to rescue, a crocodile and what looks like a wild pig.
Geekyboy loved the gift on first sight. He was jumping up and down waiting for me to get Diego and his accessories out of the package and once freed, immediately took them off on an adventure. He decided the pig-like animal was an okapi, based on his favourite episode, and I have yet to correct him. This would have been a lovely moment, there is nothing I love more than giving my kids something special that fills them with happiness. However I had not factored in the green eyed monster. Geekygirl couldn't stand it. She wanted so badly for that toy to be hers. No matter that she had just five days before had her own birthday and a not inconsiderable pile of loot. I had even given her a small present to open, while Geekyboy opened his, anticipating some jealously over her brother's gifts (My parents had to do this with me, apparently), but her desire for his toy was uncontrollable. Her frustration that she couldn't have it was extreme and very loud. It wasn't a happy birthday moment. It made me wonder if she gets her own way too often, so incapable was she of dealing with her feelings of desire and disappointment.
Diego and his boat were the source of contention for the rest of the day. I had what I thought was a good solution. The kids both had some birthday money to spend. I also needed to get a gift for a birthday party we were going to so the following day I took the kids to the store and let them both choose another toy in the "Diego + rescue vehicle" series (the birthday party boy got one too. I'm sincerely hoping that this toy is not the cause of the same intense sibling rivalry in his home, or his mother will be cursing me).
Problem solved, I thought. How wrong I was. We now have three Diego's, three vehicles (the boat, an ATV with a trailer, and a truck with a extendable bucket like a telephone pole fixing van), two alligator/caymens, two wild pig/okapis and two
I'm at my wits end. When they place nicely it is lovely imaginative play, fascinating to observe. I have even seen some moments of generosity and some evidence of negotiation ("you can have crash helmet Diego and I'll have the truck, then we can switch in ten minutes"). But more often than not I hear wailing, Diegos get chucked across the room and everyone is in hysterics. I finally took them all away for a while.
I"m still a little mystified as to why these particular toys have brought out the demons in my children. Learning how to resolve conflict over resources is supposed to be one the the great life lessons we learn from having siblings, I tell myself as I wonder whether, when and how to intervene in the latest Diego induced spat, sorely regretting the day I let the little buggers into the house. The Diegos, not the children, I mean!
I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend who's children went to a Waldorf philosophy preschool. When she asked how the teachers deal with conflicts over toys she was told "Oh, the kids don't really fight over the toys, because the toys they have are all really boring"!
Right now I'm sorely tempted to take all of their colorful bounty away and replace it with a couple of hoops and sticks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)