The scream

Things are never peaceful for long when raising children, are they? Just when you think you have everything copacetic they go through some developmental stage or other and you belief in your parenting skills gets thrown for a loop again.

I sensed we might be in for a rough night. It had been a lovely day, a sweet note from her preshcool teacher telling me that she wrote "hat" all by herself on the whiteboard when they thought of words beginning with 'h', a lovely evening during which both kids scoffed down all their dinner without complaint then played nicely with each other and got willingly into their nightclothes. Geekygirl is an obsessive clothes changer, very particular about the look and feel of garments, and pyjamas are no exception. This past week she has dug out an old, soft pair that have become the only acceptable night attire. She seems to be a serial monogomist when it comes to PJ's since last week it was a newer pair with frilly pants and the week before a fuzzy footed sleeper suit.

We have also had momentous change in the geekyhousehold, the pacifier fairy came last week and took all the pacifiers away. Geekygirl decided that she was ready, we had long prepared her that four was the age it had to go (It should have gone years ago, it had been restricted to nighttime and in the car for at least 2 years, but she was so attached to it that the time never seemed right). We took the opportunity, since the dentist advised us, to take Geekyboys too. I felt bad for him since he didn't really get much say in the matter.  The process was amazingly painless for Geekygirl, she was thrilled with the stuffed pony and the batgirl costume that the fairy left for her, and has hardly even mentioned the pacifier since. I was quite amazed by how unphased she seemed by it, Last night makes me realize that she may have been internalizing some of the distress of the loss of her beloved comforter.

The trouble began when she told me she didn't want to wear a pull up. Now, she is four, she is of an age where she could be night time potty trained, but she isn't. Every single time we have tried she wakes up in a puddle. But I have to encourage her to try, and she hadn't had much to drink since dinner, and had just peed, so I said OK. But I knew that we would be woken up with wet sheets.

And sure enough, just before three a.m. a little damp figure appeared by our bed. No big deal you may think, and often it isn't a big deal, But tonight, after I stripped the bed and comforted my crying child I tried to remove the wet pyjamas. Big mistake. Hysteria ensued, along with screaming fit to wake the dead (though mercifully Geekyboy, there in the same room didn't even stir).

"DRY THEM NOW"
"I WON'T WEAR OTHER PYJAMAS" (there are about 6 perfectly good pairs in her drawer)
"DON'T TAKE THESE ONES OFF ME I WILL STAY WET"
"I WILL ONLY WEAR DAYTIME CLOTHES IF I CANT WEAR THESE"

I cajoled, I empathized, I hugged, I spent a long time commiserating with her over the wet PJ situation, but the screaming got louder and I couldn't talk her down. I realized that we had run into that old roadblock, Geekygirl being incapable of accepting something contrary to her worldview

She wailed and screamed. I wrestled her into clean pyjamas (last weeks favourites, so I know there is nothing fundementally wrong with them), she tore them off, I warned her, put them on her again and when she took them off again I gave her a time out. I felt totally ridiculous and incompetent giving my child a time out at three in the morning. I sat near her and she screamed for almost the full four minutes, finally calming down. I got her to bed. She asked for stories and so relieved was I that she wasn't screaming any more I agreed to two. Then she asked for more. I said no. She asked me to sit with her on the rocking chair all night. I sat for quite some time but eventually told her I was going back to my bed. Guess where we ended up? Back with the ear splitting screaming. At this point both cats left the house in disgust and the dog buried her head under her tail. I wished I had either of those options, and starting to get very angry and ready to scream myself. I went into the kitchen and took some deep breaths and stamped my feet hard. This brought Geekydaddy in, and thankfully he took over. I was completely spent.

Three more four minute screaming time outs later (with Geekydaddy sitting right there with her) she was cried out and finally went back to sleep. It was just after 4.00am

I spent the day at work feeling rather shell shocked ( and rather tired). I felt so guilty, as if I had failed her somehow. But in the cold light of day I realized that yet again we have been letting Geekyirl push the envelope and run the show. She needs her boundaries. I would rather be a laid back parent. For at least the last month she has been coming out of her room several times after bedtime, and in the middle of the night too. She wants a different duvet cover, there is a tiny spot of milk on her sheet and it must be changed right now, she needs another book, she piles her bed full of costumes and toys and plays for far too long, and she insists on having the room far too light. And I comply with all this because I want to keep bedtime conflict free, and besides i don't really mind which duvet cover or sheet she has, or if she changes her pyjamas twelve times before going to sleep, or if she sleeps covered in a pile disney princess costumes. I forget that she needs me to sometimes say no.

I also realized that though she did indeed scream for a horrendous amount of time,  it probably felt worse contrasted against silence of the night, and that she didn't bite, scratch or hit me, which is a first. Usually when she loses it I'm at risk of losing an eye. Last night it was just my eardrums that were in peril. The next morning her favourite pair of leggings were dirty, and she managed to pull herself together and find another pair with nairy a tear, in fact she showed a mature and resigned acceptance of the legging situation.

Maybe last nights screaming was some kind of catharsis to cope with the loss of the pacifier. Maybe she is finding ways to cope when things don't go her way.

Tonight we reminded ourselves of the bedtime expectations. I bought a new nightlight digital clock (it is very cool, it changes colors when you press it), and kept the room dark. I refused to indulge her nighttime sillinesses. And she fell fast asleep at 8.30pm.

I've read that every 6 months young children go through grown and development spurts that can leave them helpless victims of their emotions. Three and a half was hard, and I guess we have hit four. We'll hold on for the ride. And if we have another night like that we'll call in the therapists.

Advice much appreciated.

Here she is, Batgirl herself in the ill fated pyjamas. Her super power is her insanity inducing scream.

the book that saved my children's smile

or "How I stopped procrastinating and got my kids to the dentist".

Like many busy parents I have a constant, never ending, ever expanding 'to do list'. I make notes and lists, on paper and on electronic devices, but like a lot of us, I suspect, I spend my life with a constant fearful buzz in my ear "did you bring your drycleaning? remember show and tell?, make a dentist appointment, buy dog food, order diapers, put the trash out, pay the dog walker, are you right now supposed to be at a critical appointment that you forgot to note down....."

So when I glimpsed this book that Geekydaddy bought himself, and saw its subtitle "The art of stress free productivity" I was intrigued. From the world I was standing in "Stress free" and "productive" were completely contradictory. I am productive, but in order to be so it seems I have to also be stressed. Unstresssed would mean not having anything pressing to do, and given that that almost never happens, my default mood was stressed!

I'm not usually one for self help type of books. Or books about filing systems. But that is basically what this book is. It may have actually changed my life just a tiny bit. The premise of the book rests upon the concept that we all run around with our heads too full of stuff; minutae, apointments, ideas, half finished thoughts. We need to get everything out of our heads and into a system. Most of us start with a  "to do list" but what we put on these lists tends to be amorphous, not easily turned into a specific next action, so things linger, in our minds and on our lists, stressing us out because we don't get them done. My dentist issue is a classic case.

I've had "Make dental appointment" kicking about in my head, and even on my to do lists for over a year. But since I hadn't identified a dentist and I I needed to verify my insurance would cover the one I chose the task never got done. After reading the book I implemented the system. I won't go into it all here but will say that Mr Allen advises you to keep four lists: "projects" for anything that takes more than one step, "someday maybe" for things you don't actually need to do anything about except keep track of, "Waiting for", things your waiting for someone else to deliver on, and "Action items", which must be an actual thing you can do. So with "Kids to dentist" on my project list, and "call friend A to get her kids dentists name" as the first task for that project on the action list, I initiated the process and lo and behold a month or so later the appointment day rolled around!

Now the system isn't flawless. I failed to consider the logistics of one parent taking both kids (aged almost 4 and almost 2) for a first dental visit. I confess that as a Mum who works during the week and who tends to do outings with Geekydaddy and the kids on the weekend, I am not all that adept at the art of handling both my kids in unfamiliar situations on my own. I do it sometimes, but feel barely in control of the situation, in fact I lost Geekygirl for five horrendous minutes at the aquarium once when I was responsible for the two of them. I'm very impressed when I see mums with two or more little ones in tow out grocery shopping or at the zoo, and realize that I'm not really all that good at this "Mum" thing!

Fortunately Geekydaddy was able to come along too, so we embarked upon 'family outing to the dentist'. I filled out their new patient forms, mailed to me in advance. There was a section about your childs personality and how you thought they might handle their dental exam. "Labels like "High strung, defiant, scared, shy" jumped out at me as I thought of Geekygirl, and I felt disloyal to my adorable, sweet, precious though often defiant, shy and high strung girl as I circled these words next to her name, then circled "Friendly" and "Average kid" next to Geekyboy's.

The next flaw in my plan was revealed as we arived at the office, having allowed the required thirty minutes circling time to find parking in San Francisco, ten minutes early for the appointment I had noted down as being at 10.00am. The appointment was, however, actually for 10.50, so we had to pull the kids out of the treasure trove of a waiting room; TV, toys, games galore, and head off to Starbucks for chocolate milk and cake (just what you need before the dentists!).

The actual visit went wonderfully. The nurse and the dentist were both fantastic with the kids, explaining carefully how they painted the teeth with dye to show the plaque, and using a picture chart menu for them to pick their toothpaste flavor for the cleaning. I was a little ashamed at how much dye stuck to their teeth, but there was no admonishment from the dentist or her nurse. We were chided for allowing both kids, especially almost four year old Geekygirl, to use pacifiers still. I'm embarrassed myself, but she loves it so, I haven't been able to take it from her. We're now steeling ourselves for the arrival of the pacifier fairy to take them away once and for all.

Geekyirl handled the whole thing incredibly well, she was polite and compliant and oh so proud of herself when it was done. I wished I hadn't checked so many of her less lovely traits on the form, as none of them were on display that day. Geekyboy was less sure of the teeth cleaning. But between tears and wails he kept saying "Yummy cookies!", so I guess he liked the cookie dough flavor toothpaste, if not the process of cleaning itself.

To top it off, the dentists had a tiny dog, a chihuahua/yorkie mix clad in  a pink leopard print jacket and pink pony tail, that was just like an animated toy.  I'm not usually a small dog person, but this one was adorable; gentle, soft and very friendly. I was almost converted and Geekygirl was completely smitten, and has now started badgering me for a tiny dog of her own. Our dog is too big, apparently, and doesn't like to wear accessories in her hair. We got a family picture with the dog, and then a dig through the treasure box for a present. I was surprised that instead of picking a princess crown or purse, Geekygirl picked a fierce looking snapping dinosaur-head-on-a-stick. I think after getting through this intimidating new experience she needed something fearsome to remind her of her bravery.

We'd better take it with us when we go to the Doctor's next week.

If you live in SF and need a pediatric dentist, I highly recommend Dr Bergen James and her practice.